Love: Before It’s Legal

When Alex and Jeremy got engaged in the spring of 2010 and set their wedding date for July 16, 2011, they had no idea their marriage could be legal in New York State on July 24, 2011.

By example, Alex and Jeremy demonstrate the importance of living out our vision, our love, and our passion before society approves it.

Alex Bertrand was 31 when he met Jeremy Price. Alex was a member of the Lavender Light Gospel Choir, a Black gay and lesbian gospel choir, when a lanky guest pianist, Jeremy, then age 33, walked in.

“I saw this little white boy walk in. He sat down and played, and I was blown away,” Alex said. “Quite honestly, I had never heard a white person play gospel music like that in my life, ever.”

“He wouldn’t even look at me,” Jeremy said as he reflected back to that rehearsal. “I thought, well, maybe some people are a little cold. Or maybe he’s not impressed.”

Alex said, “I made sure he noticed that I didn’t notice.”

Jeremy was determined to wait for him. And Alex never forgot that.

Months later, as Alex was looking for a new job and a place to live, he lost his wallet. Without his driver’s license, he couldn’t complete the paperwork to secure a new job or the apartment he wanted. Jeremy offered spontaneously to drive from New York City to Louisville, Kentucky so Alex could get a replacement driver’s license.

Jeremy rescheduled his appointments, rented a car, and they left the same day. During a break from driving, Jeremy told Alex, “Don’t worry about driving. Relax baby, I got it.”

“I just looked at this guy who is doing all this for me. He made me feel so safe and taken care of.” Alex said. “And I said, ‘Jeremy, I love you.’ That was four years and three months ago.”

When you are around them now, you can feel their love. Or you can watch their love as they exchange their vows in this video.

It is literally six minutes of joy to watch them say the vows they wrote for one another.

Their church, family, and friends first blessed their union on Saturday, July 16, 2011. A few weeks later, New York State began to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Their pastor, Rev. Jacqui Lewis, invited them to join two other couples and legally marry during a Sunday morning worship celebration.

Part of the reason same-gender marriages became legal in New York State is because millions of couples like Alex and Jeremy lived out their love publicly, sharing their relationships with their friends and family.

Sometimes we wonder what to do with this “one, wild and precious life,” as poet Mary Oliver writes. Start where your heart is because that is where your call lies. The people who change their lives or our communities do so because their hearts have been broken open.

Larger cultural shifts happen because thousands of everyday people fall in love with someone or some cause that affects those they care about.

Love changes things. We are called to act where our heart opens and where our heart breaks.

When our hearts break, we organize protests, petitions, or publicity. But it’s also important to celebrate days like July 24 when marriage equality became law in New York State. Marking these occasions honors the work and prayers of generations of activists and lovers, and renews our hope.

As a teenager, I watched pastors abuse their power by breaking confidences with my gay friends and telling parents their children were gay or sending their children to therapy to be “cured.” I watched clergy “retire” who were openly gay. And I watched gay youth called to ministry go into other professions. In high school, I publicly stood for the ordination of gay clergy in the United Methodist Church because it broke my heart that they were not allowed to do so.

Both Alex and Jeremy have been wounded by other churches. Jeremy lost his job as a pianist and organist at a large Brooklyn church after they knew he was gay. Staff called his parents in California to notify them of their son’s sexuality and told his colleagues they could not talk to him or they’d loose their jobs. And Alex was not allowed to have leadership positions in his Kentucky gospel choir.

It meant a lot to watch Jeremy and Alex have a wedding in a church before the state approved it.

Though I understood their union was not yet legal, it felt real to me. According to a report by Public Religion Research Institute and The Middle Project, our generation views a church’s stand on gay rights as a litmus test. Straight or gay, we want to know where a church stands on this issue before we take time to visit.

I celebrate places like Middle Church, which has blessed same-sex marriages since the 1980s. Many courageous churches took a stand for equal rights for all before their denomination or their country.

During their first ceremony (this is not on YouTube), Alex paused to collect himself after hearing Jeremy’s vows to him, and said, “Ok, so I just need 30 seconds,” as he wiped away his tears.

“Many of our gay brothers and sisters love in secret. And many of them feel like love isn’t available to them so they make bad choices and they hurt themselves. However, I just want all of you to know that because you loved us, we can feel like this world is a little bit better.”

Change starts every time we love someone or something passionately; people can feel our love, and that love changes them.

Our love allows couples to marry before all states and churches ordain it. Our hearts lead us to create the change we seek.

Photo by Béatrice de Géa via Middle Church